Dangote

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Should I Tell My Fiancée I Am Not A Virgin Or Wait Till After Our Wedding?

Dear Ladun,

I will appreciate if you could help publish my story so I can get answers from your readers.

I lost my virginity a few years back during my service year. Before then I had vowed to keep myself for my husband, but I had a boyfriend then who eventually forced himself on me. I wont actually call it rape, because I blame myself for putting myself in such situation. He knew how much I wanted to keep myself, he still took advantage of my weak moment. This is an action I will say I regret in my life, but I have no option than to move on with my life. I will like to state here that after that first time, no man has touched me.


Now the issue is that I will be getting married in two months time, but my husband to be (not the one who disvirgined me) thinks I am a virgin. Please I do not want to be misunderstood, I have never told him anything about it, but I dont understand how or why he assumed I am. Anytime he talks about it, I just try to avoid the topic.

It has been difficult for me and I am confused about the situation, because I cant bring myself to telling him the truth. Do I just go ahead to tell him the truth, dont tell him at all or tell him after our wedding?

Responses are needed urgently please.

Confused LLB reader

86 comments:

  1. According 2 u,u'll b getting married in two months n I wana blv u shld b able 2 discuss anytn @ all with sm1 u call ur husband 2 be.my dear sis,if u don't tell him d truth while u can n he gets 2 know afta ur wedding,blv me,its goin 2 take only God's intervention 4 him 2 ever 4give u n not cheat on u.d@'s called deceit,u shldnt even lie 2 sm1 u love,think abt it

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    Replies
    1. You're soo right, Nne biko tell Him the truth, Two wrongs have never been known to make a right. Its obvious You're scared He might leave you if you come clean, but If He really loves you, He'll not, I'm not saying He'll take it smiling, but after he haff vex finish, he'll come back...except if He's only marrying you cos of ur virginity in which case...

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  2. Orisirisi.abeg u no b virgin again jooooor!

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    Replies
    1. she didnt ask if she's still a virgin...really dont know why some pple have problems with understanding english

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    2. @anon 22:21, The question was not if she is still a virgin or not. If u dont have any advice for her then keep quiet.SOme people are just so annoying and insensitive.

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    3. Did u even understand d story at all?

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  3. How on earth would 2 people be getting married in about 2months and they do not even know basic things about themselves. Really! #raises eyebrows#

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    Replies
    1. It is possible

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    2. Thanks Kay....makes me really wonder what "lovers" discuss and questions they ask themselves before venturing into marriage..#eyebrowsraisedaswell#

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  4. Turai Abdulsalam said..

    If you are sure you have not had sex since that experience, you may probably have some blood stains as a result of the proper opening of your hymen again...I would advise you tell your husband..This is the price you pay for being in that situation(not blaming you).

    Kindly take it off your mind and make sure you dont mislead your husband-to-be with wrong assumption...Clarify the air and let him know that it was a mistake and it only happened once...we are human beings,opened to mistakes..

    Remember to tell him the truth,dont give room for him to think otherwise about you...
    Goodluck!!!

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    Replies
    1. Not all virgins bleed. Mr adviser

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  5. Please tell him now before it too late.he might hate u after the wedding wen he finds out

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  6. Pakistani Beauty26 December, 2012 22:43

    Madam writer, the solution to ur problem lies in Linda Ikeji's blog. Look for a post about a product that gives u back ur virginity. Go and look for it and buy and STOP disturbing Ladun with ur nonsense story

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    Replies
    1. It wrks like magic. Save urself d stress

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    2. just tell him the truth, i'm sure he will definitely understand.

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  7. What is this big deal about virginity please? You should have clarified to him the first time he let his assumption known to you. No, you kept quiet and now you are shaking in your boots. Look I'm a 30 year old virgin but it doesn't mean I am the most pious and virtuous woman on earth, in fact I have so many flaws. I recently blew off a guy that was talking about how he wants to marry a virgin. I didn't let on that I was one but I thought to myself, you want to marry a virgin, what about her character, what if she is a virgin witch.
    Anyway, me I don't know what to advice you except to come clean. If he leaves you, then so have the gods written it.

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  8. Dear confused Llb reader,you wanted to remain a virgin before your wedding night but you still engaged in foreplay.anyway that's past now.if your ex had not disvirgined you,what sign would have confirmed to your hubby that u were still a virgin,blood on the bedsheet?my dear that does not happen anymore especially for ladies that engage in foreplay and still claim that they are 'virgins '.to me you are still more or less a virgin if your claim is true that it was only once and it wasn't rape.however, this is your husband to be,you should be able to talk to him,I mean,explain everything that matters in your relationship to him dear.if he really loves you he would understand.all the best.

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    Replies
    1. Whats this one saying? so if you engage in foreplay youre no longer a virgin? na wa for ignorant people oh.

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  9. Tell him the truth,that will save ur marriage.

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  10. Once the lies start that is how they will continue.

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  11. Hey dear, tell him the truth his going to be ur husband u Dnt wanna b hiding things from him.. Tell him thetruthexactly howit happend.. Nd hope nd pray he understands bcos watever u do I Dnt see u becoming a virgin again so u myt as well just come clean.. Wish u luck..this

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  12. If U want to be happy in that marriage, tell him

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  13. If u want to be happy in ur marriahe, tell him.

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  14. No oh wait till Jesus comes, then u'll break the news to ur husband, he's gon' 4give u cos Jesus is around and because he wan get express ticket enter paradise......Lol

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  15. Did u even understand d story at all?
    Ola baby"

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  16. jus tell him d truth u wil feel beta dan liein

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  17. Let me state clearly that you misled him to believe you were a virgin. You sound slimy to me because you refuse to take responsibility for your actions. You blame your corper boyfriend for the loss of your virginity, and now you blame your husband-to-be for having the wrong notion about your virginity. I tell you the truth, telling him now that he is about to eat the food is no good. I am certain you had a plan all along. play it out. you slimy witch

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    Replies
    1. I second ur opinion!

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  18. If u kan explain dis 2 all of us here!1 man wount kill u!Trust is very important in any relationship!if u love him tell him.

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  19. My dear please tell him so that you would be at peace, especially if you plan on getting married....you dont want to start with lies at this stage...tell him now before its too late..................also i want you to know something my Dear.....DONT EVER BLAME YOURSELF FOR WHAT HAPPENED............there is nothing like i put myself in that situation, no u didnt.......your ex is just an animal...a rapist is someone that has sex with someone without their consent and that is what you ex bf is bcos u didnt agree...........learn your lesson but NEVER blame yourself...

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    Replies
    1. U didn't see d part whr she wrote she wasn't raped? She gt herself into an uncontrollable situation.

      Advice for girls who wants to remain virgins,there is a limit to where ur bf shud go,neva let him pull ur cloths,also neva let him put his hands in ur clothes,it might b too late to stop him..

      My advice lady,its better u don't tell him,since he didn't ask u,let him keep his notion to himself.u didn't lie to him.clean ur mind of guilt.

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  20. Replies
    1. Why should she just tell him Shade?

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  21. jus tell him d truth

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  22. There is this saying in igbo that you cannot lie to someone concerning what he/she will eventually get to know as a lie. Is only a novice that will sleep with a non virgin without knowing, so what am saying in essence is that no matter how you hide it, the young man will find out, so just tell him the truth and how it happened and also tell him about the vow you made ok. If he truly loves you he will forgive u. Tell him now ok, as for me being a virgin or a non-virgin is not a big deal the most important thing is marrying a good wife someone that will be a home maker.God bless you as u do the right thing. Also pray and ask God to give you the wisdom to face the whole situation.

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    Replies
    1. Tell him d truth? What truth? Did she ever tell him she was a virgin? What forgivness r we talking about? Does she owe him her virginity??? Pls just clear d air, and set him ryt on his views that Ȋ̝̊̅§ all. U̶̲̥̅ didn't wrong him, bdw, U̶̲̥̅̊ shud have done this since. Ɣ wait 2 months bfor d marriage?
      *effizy*

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  23. To be candid, you need to tell your husband all He need to know abt you . If He truly love you, trust me He will not be angre with you. Your husband should be your best friends, so my dear dont hide anything from him. Goodluck!

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  24. U know what , just tell him the truth. U have 2 other options though, buy that fake virginity thing Linda Ikeji was advertising its less than 30 dollars.when he peneterates u'll bleed. The third option is to pretend, afterall since uv been so celibate ull be tight , so just moan for like 30 minutes before u let him in....the first option is still the ish sha...tell him ur not a V...DON'T SAY IT LIKE UR MAKING A CONFESSION O! ULL ONLY LOOK GUILTY!!! Say it like ur correcting an impression, and ur defence for not stating it earlier shud be that ur ex left an indellible mark on ur mind!!!voila....if he loves you thoug he'll stay.

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  25. Dear writer, I think it will be healthier for your relationship if you tell your fiancé. It will also spare you the anxiety. Spend some time together and tell him exactly how you've told us here; I don't believe any reasonable man would hold it against you. I wish you God's blessings and a beautiful marriage.

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  26. Good and lasting marriage can only be built on trust. It's better he's aware now , if he leaves then he is not for you. If he stays, this will increase his trust for you and cement your marriage. If he finds out letter that you've deceived him, he will never trust you and be ready for a life time of misery and hell on earth, that's if the marriage you're trying to protect last. If in doubt talk to your pastor or join singlebutnotstupid online network.

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  27. Wat truth u didn't tell him nything in d first place. Best u tell him ur not, what r u scared of. On wedding night he'll jst realise that he's swimming n ocean. How wld dat mk u feel?

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  28. Well....look what we gat here..my very own story. I was raped at four..I still considered myself a virgin until I deemed it fit to start dating at 18....eventually my bf who knew of my plans of celibacy raped me. *i will still find him and deal with him* the difference btw us was that I was so angry wt God that I started having sex to "get back" at him..well,that didn't turn out well....I'm not planning to get married soon cos my idea of men is still twisted and dark but I think they are sweet creatures...say the truth honey! U can only hear it from MrsBloglord! If the guy thinks ur a virgin and bedsheet no stain! Thou art on a very long thing....Twitter! @MrsBloglord

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  29. Madam you are bereft of idea's...
    Put urlife in the spotlight if you don't have that of others to put, that way we'll get to know you better!

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  30. you have better have the talk with your partner before marriage if not it may/will feel like you've been lying t him. Just seat him down and explain things to him...

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  31. On a second note, apply some tin tomatoes on ur wedding night... Do it in an irrefutable way, be smart & cool, trust me he won't even have a clue that you have just pranked him with virginity...

    He'll probably be too honey, exhausted and in love to taste the soup you made inbetween your thigh!

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  32. You should have told him as soon as u realised what his assumptions were.
    It's not too late now though. I understand u might be scared of losing him (which I doubt would happen), but find out he will, eventually. Better u do the telling than letting him find out himself.

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  33. I'm sure u know the answer to ur question so why bother us? If u wait till after the wedding for him to find out then anything u see take it like that! What's the big deal about being a virgin or not in the first place? U bera tell him o! For all u know that's one of the main reasons he's marrying u n if he should find out the truth after the wedding it would be like u married him under false pretences... Dunno how much sense I'm making as I'm half-asleep but I'm sure u understand.
    Valerie.

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  34. Do you have any idea what 'Misrepresentaton' is? You're misrepresenting yourself to your husband to be. As it is, he's marrying a virgin. If you marry him and he finds that you're not a virgin, it means you're not his wife. His wife is supposed to be a virgin. If that man files for divorce, he'd be absolutely on track. Fear God and tell him abeg. How would you feel if he waits to marry you before he tells you his scrotum is made of cellophane? Or that his eyes are actually a goat's eyes because he had eye transplant? I digress. But you get my point. You gotta tell him and face the consequence(s). No one deserves to be decieved into a marriage. Plus if he finds out after marriage, he's gonna hate you trust me. Be a good girl and tell him. Now you can lie that you were raped in camp or you fell down and a long stick 'chooked' your vajay. Whatever ridiculous story you choose is fine. JUST TELL HIM. TELL HIM. Was gonna say compliments of the season to you but since you're gonna be having a miserable time when you tell him, no point.

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    Replies
    1. justlikeme@live.com27 December, 2012 12:59

      I sabi say nobody holy pass but your HOLY is just too right!!! I love the part where you said scrotum made of cellophane....LMFAO!!!! He might have a bigger secret, tell him yours, he will say his and you both get angry for 30minutes and then laff it off and a bigger trust creeps in. Its really easy....

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  35. Pls tell him. if he breaks it off then good riddance. it's not like u told him u were a virgin. he just assumed cos u no give am chop.

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  36. I advice you tell him. If he loves u, he will stay with u. Dnt hide the truth form him. Everyone makes mistakes, urs isn't an expection. So tell him.

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  37. It is better u let him know before ur wedding. This is an issue based on trust and it should not be compromised. Of course he'll still go ahead with the wedding if he truly loves you

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  38. Why didn't you tell your husband before now? I am 35 years and still a virgin, but I've never told anyone I am one. Even the guys I've dated, I don't tell them cos I don't want to look like a slacker. Anyway, you don't need to tell your husband about how you got disvirgined, just let him know you're not a virgin so he won't feel disappointed on the night of your wedding.

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    Replies
    1. Nawa 2 u o,u'r stil a virgin @ 35?????????a virgin @ 35 is a virgin 4 life o,u try sha

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    2. Virgin for life? What a stupid thing to say.

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    3. Virgin for Life...nasty nasty comment! In the world we live in people are sexually active @ 8years. Strong lady you are.

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  39. *rolling eyes* dis is preposterous! Ow cud u b getin married wid sum1 wu dosnt even knw ur status down thr! Even if u two dnt wana av sex til marriage, r u tellin me u two avnt done any form of romance or foreplay down thr 4 im 2b able 2knw u aint a V?? U ppl tho! Anyway I wil advise u 2let im knw! N get prepared 4 woeva cums owta it.

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  40. Why should she be scared of losing him. Don’t tell me that guy is still looking for a virgin in this day and time

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  41. Lmao at apply some tomatoes between your legs. Don’t mind brother agbaya abeg

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  42. Some comments here make sense though

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  43. You can hide it and he won’t know. You should still be tight. Just form moaning

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  44. You don't have to tell him bcos your vigina is so tight he wudnt even notice.. Abeg carry go and form virgin joor.. He go respect you till he pemeh..

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    Replies
    1. I agree with you ooo,he wouldn't know.during your first intercourse with him, pretend like it hurts so bad,i mean SO BADLY.The only way he would know, is if he has other things in mind, like juju(rituals).#just saying

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  46. I laugh when people give "candid" advises on issues they've never been victims of. we are the best advisers except in our own cases. Please, i was in your shoes and when my husband eventually did me, he belived every inch i was a virgin cos after the 1st time, which wasnt my fault, i abstained so if u are sure you've abstained all this while, then you can pull thru because its gonna pain you since its been long and you are gonna limp. Scream when hs doing it and at some point, try to resist the action by pushing him away and crying. u are even still naive in that aspect so hs gonna believe you. It worked for me seriously cos i wasnt sexually active except for that 1 moment before i met hi. goodluck with that

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    Replies
    1. It is still misrepresentation

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  47. plus, not all virgins bleed. its categorical

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  48. After 5 sexual encounters but each one at very long intervals, my v went back to her tight form, added very effective tightener and i'm a virgin again. so says my 1st nite with my husband.so what are we talking about

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  49. Dear friend please tell your husband to be the truth cos if he eventually finds out on your wedding night you have to pay for it in a terrible way,is better for you to enjoy ur marriage than to endure it. bur why did you wait dis long though its never too late to inform him. i will implore you to do dat urgently cos if is my kind of man dem you should know you are in for it. clear ur conscience my dear

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  50. I think you should tell him. However, even if you did not tell him, he may not realize since you have not had sexual intercourse in a while (I am not advising that you don't tell him though).

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  51. Hello dear, pls jst tell him d truth bcos if u dnt ur marriage is as gud as over, I undastand wht u've bin tru cos ve bin der bt quickly got out b4 I was deflowered.

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  52. I appreciate all the advice given, the right thing will be done. And to Ladun, thank you for publishing my post, God bless xxx

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    Replies
    1. Mumu better DONT tell him, you'll be tight hyatsarah if you've nt been fucking oooH,,,,

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  53. For me, I dnt tink u shld. I was in d same situation nd I eventually tld me fiance, wen I decided to do it wit him, I realised I still had blood stains. If nt dt I had tld him d truth, he wld av thot I was a virgin. Smtimes I reget tellin him d truth sha

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  54. Mumu go n rest you vowed to keep it n you lost it,, get over it n move on,,, go n run your mouth n tell him now,,,,,

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  55. If he really loves you, telling him nw ll nt change anything. He may find it hard to trust u sometimes but jst so u stop lossing weight b4 the main day jst tell him n be free.

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  56. Hey go out come home crying that u were raped stain urself with kechup and cry out ur eyes daz the best thing to do telling him now is the most stupid thing to d! Go get fakely raped "wink" u ma self virginity is nt dignity my friend married as a virgin but she was a witch does that. Add value? My friend once told me that he won't mind marrying a call girl who would make a good wife than a virgin whose attitude is nonsense hey! Attitude is everything!

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  57. It's not just the virginity issue, the major problem is the unfaithfulness. you were dating another person while you are in a relationship with someone you were about to marry.

    The thing is if you don't tell him you will carry guilt for the rest of your life; and if you tell him he may forgive you but may never trust you again.

    My candid advise: Just break the relationship. tell him you can't go on with the guilt. start a new relationship and be wiser. Trust me I'm talking from experience.

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  58. abeg she was a virgin when she met the bobo and cheated, my brother is currently fucking one igbo chic thats lying to her boyfriend that shes a virgin, her fiancee is paying all her bills and my brother is the one getting the pussy. women and their lies, anyway if you only did it once your husband to be will still think you are a virgin.

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  59. DON'T BOTHER YOURSELF AT ALL. HE WILL FIND OUT AFTER THE WEDDING; THAT'S WHEN HE FINALLY LIES WITH YOU.

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  60. DON'T BOTHER YOURSELF; HE WILL FIND OUT, HIMSELF, AFTER THE WEDDING - THAT'S WHEN HE FINALLY LIES WITH YOU.

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  62. Do really after one encounter of sex . Hymen gets tight again??
    I need answer...
    #desperatelywaiting for your answeer
    .n hey gal go n tell him .. trust me he wwill love u more ....

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