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Monday, January 7, 2013

I'm Confused about the Situation At Hand

I would like to share my story on your blog because I would like to hear what people’s opinion are.

My name is Chidera and I am in my late 20’s a single mother to a 7yr old daughter and to the glory of God, I own my business. I have been in and out of relationships that have not been productive and I think that at this stage the only thing that is left for me is marriage. I met a guy recently who is not only my tribal guy but also from a neighboring village. He is also into business and he works in a pharmaceutical company. He is also a single father to a 7yr old boy.


We have been dating for quite some time now and we are considering marriage but there is a big problem. We both share the same genotype, we are both AS. He was once married and the marriage produced two wonderful boys. After some years they both had to part ways. The reason for his breakup with his ex-wife was because they share the same genotype AS.

Among the sons she gave birth to, one of them was SS, though the child is dead now, but the lady’s parent totally disagreed to the union and asked them to both part ways, which they both agreed on. The point now is that we share the same blood group and we are looking forward to tying the knot, and I don’t know if I should go ahead with this marriage because I don’t want a situation where we will be asked to part years after we have spent time together as a couple. But he said he is positive that the only thing we need to take into consideration is that we won’t have too many kids.

I am confused.

87 comments:

  1. I dnt think u need a soothsayer to tell u not to marry d guy*hiss

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    Replies
    1. Ogini... Why should she run?
      You see, that's the problem, we africans think only bearing children is our aim on earth.

      In my opinion if you guy's have a good understanding you can both take care of the ones you have already, worse is that you can adopt kids. Plz don't be fooled, marriage is about ur happiness and union not about over-populating an already over-polluted world.

      Delete
  2. I dnt think u need a soothsayer to tell u not to marry d guy*hiss

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  3. Hahha i lauff in chinese...meet older ones for advice-am too yung for all this-omo-iwo says so....

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    Replies
    1. Where your bb dey? u don lost am?

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    2. u asked him well

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  4. Dis z nt a question supposed to be asked by a literate(except u r nt)...U berra run away 4rm dt relationship cos it'll onli lead u to doom...has it crossed ur mind wt will happen if ur first trial is SS...Think wisely

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    Replies
    1. You make so much sense .

      Delete
    2. You make so much sense .

      Delete
  5. Pls maam, with due respect k,go and consult your doctor to know and be sure if this is safe k. so that u can save yourself 4rm any meltdown or heart break okay. u not havn too many kids myt result 2 u havn d first child u myt both have 2geda 2b an SS genotyped baby, who knows. its better to be late nau and to also take a very fast decision ryt now. think of u, ur
    spouse and ur children in the future ooooo.....

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  6. This is a very sensitive matter and I don't think I can contribute anything very meaningful, I just want to point out something, the issue isn't the number of kids u'll have as the first one might be SS so.... Left to me I would say you guys should part ways. But I guess there's nothing impossible for God to do, so cast ur cares upon Him, I guess.....
    Valerie.

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  7. olayemi ogunyomi mrs07 January, 2013 22:45

    Whts soo confusin there?he is AS and u r too!dnt u see dt u r not compartible!so whts d confusion u r avin?pls move on and fine elsewhere to park!

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  8. what sort of yeye confusion, do you know what it is to be ss, do you know the pain of losing a child ?. Forget how much you love him now, yes, it will hurt now if you leave him, but you are saving both of you from further pain.

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  9. Do not be blind with love. Consider d child(ren) you guys will bring forth. Think twice before u make a decision that will haunt you for live. And for the sake of the kids too. You have no control over which child will be SS. I beg u

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  10. There are ways of testing for genotypes now before the baby is born. With that said, sickle cell kids can live a healthy and long life too. The guy is probably right that you need not have too many kids after all between both of you are 3 kids already.

    I am curious though as to why he agreed to split from his wife even though they had 2 healthy boys...think about that.

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    Replies
    1. If u read the story well, one of the boys was SS... sometimes the stress of that SS self can break a marriage

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    2. Janded, you just wrote like an illiterate. So what happens when they check and the baby is SS? They will abort it abi or keep flushing babies like they are flushing toilet? You don't know the pain and trauma that goes with Sickle Cell. Watching you child suffer. Believe me, most marriage loose their spark because of it. Blaming each other, stress, the financial aspect of it and knowing their is a high chance that the next crisis might cause the death of a child. You are a mother right? Would you allow your son or daughter to marry a sickler? You want to marry someone for love at the expense of your own child. Believe me, the last thing you would be thinking of when your children are going through pain and you are spending all your money on drugs and blood transfusion is the love you have for your husband but rather you would be filled with regrets and praying to God to give you longer time with your child. Any man or woman that KNOWINGLY brings a sickler into this world is very wicked and the blood of the SS child is on his/her hands.

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    3. No need to call me an illiterate. We all have our views. My point is sometimes when people are in love they no not think of all you have mentioned. I assume you have had firsthand experience on this issue so you understand better than anyone who has not. I am not suggesting abortion for anyone but it is a good idea to check if you are in such a situation.

      Having a child with SS is not the only thing that can break a marriage or cause heartbreak in a home. My last son was diagnosed with mild autism sweetie so I know what it is to deal with special needs.
      Life is full of ups and downs. It is not perfect. Love and understanding between man and wife should be what helps us through these difficult times as parents. It works for me.

      Delete
  11. My dear if u two love eachother then u have to raise †̥ђε̲̣̣̣̥ two kids u already have, don't even consider having anymore kids cos since both of u are AS, there is a 50% chance of having a kid with SS genotype, trust me that's not what u want, †̥ђε̲̣̣̣̥ kid could put a lot of strain in †̥ђε̲̣̣̣̥ marriage and this thing u call love might end up turning to something else when u guys are at eachothers throat..
    Pls my advice is don't get married to him or if u do tie ur tubes or do whatever to avoid giving birth I am talking from experience cos I have lived with sickle cell all my life...

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  12. You have a child he has one, why do you need more? Tie your tubes or let him get a vasectomy and go on with getting married. Any child you have with this man has a high risk of being SS

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  13. My dear, i have 3kids and my husband and i are both AS. But... each pregnancy, i travel to check if all is ok. All my kids are ok to the Glory of God. I know a lot of friends that are in the same boat. As long as you can afford to do the test, amniocentesis, you are good. You can even check as early as 10weeks. It also checks for other abnormalities too. Nothing is impossible with God on your side.

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    Replies
    1. I agree with you my dear. I am in d same boat and i just had a daughter who is healthy. i did the CVS which is done ealier than amniocentesis. although some ethicl and religious issues come up as per if you can terminate the pregnancy should the foetus be SS.

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  14. So sorry to hear about your AS genotypes. My advice is consider 2 options. 1. U can go ahead with the marriage if you guys really love each other but DO NOT have anymore children.u have a high chance of having a child with sickle cell anaemia. 2. But if u both decide to have children then you should visit a fertility clinic that practice PGD ( Pre-implantation genetic diagnosis). Ur embryos will be tested to find out which embryos have the sickle cell gene and those dat don't. That way u can have healthy babies without any heartache.
    P.S I work in such a fertility clinic in Nigeria and we have helped AS couples like urself, but I have to add.E no dey cheap oh.

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    Replies
    1. Kindly give more details pls, if possible name of your hospital.

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    2. Please give me your details. your email address will do. I know about PGD. I just didn't know it id done here in Nigeria.Name toyr hospital please. I have a six month old. i did the CVS test and she is ok to the glory of God. Planning for a child this year so it"s urgent.

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  15. Babe pls if you love urself and your unborn children pls take a walk now. Having children wit ss is not a pleasant experience. Is beta you suffer heart break now than seeing your children going thru hell

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  16. bintin laye lomo07 January, 2013 23:26

    my sister, my sister, my sister how many times did i called you, open ur eyes and ears well. If you are going to procriate DONT MARRY THAT MAN. First born of a marriage have been known to be ss. This river you are about to plunge into may sweep u away. Ss crisis no be joke.

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  17. If you BOTH agree to not have any more kids, then GO AHEAD WITH THE MARRIAGE but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE i am begging, do not bring a child into this world knowing fully well he/she could be SS...it wont be fair on the child.

    Either you part ways now OR stay together and dont have kids. I wish you all the best, you are in a very difficult position but may God guide you and be your strength.

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  18. U must b very silly to ask such a question . Y do u think u guys will nt ve ss kids or break up ?or y do u think u your own case might b different my dear dnt take chAnceS be on d safer Side and act wise.

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    Replies
    1. pls shut up if you don't know what to say... technology has passed all this silly talk of yours.. its very possible if they visit any fertility clinic. you can even get the treatment at luth idi araba

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  19. hi you guys need to see the doctor for advice there is some months that is pretty good for you guys to meet, just seek doctor opinion it shall be well with you guys thanks and God bless bye.

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  20. thank GOD you are enlightened enough about genotype before you got married, do not jeopardise an innocent child's life and well being by risking it to get married..it will be selfish and self centred of both of you to bring a child into this world to suffer the horrific effects of being an SS sufferer you know what a child goes through when they have their episodes so no one even needs to remind you of that…there are a million and one guys you will still meet who will more than meet your requirement in a prospective husband..
    EVEN marrying for love is definitely not worth the headache of the ensuing effects..i am lucky to be AA but i still make sure to be mindful of genotype in my requirements

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  21. Wait on God,first thing is that don't rush your self into anything you will later regret,someone compatible wil come for u. this is my contribution

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  22. This is very difficult, I advice you visit a doctor and see what can be done to ensure the child is not SS. Moreover, find out if it is possible to know the child' genotype before birth so the pregancy could be aborted if it is SS to avoid pain for the child and the parents. Finally, you should both agree to give birth to a child which should be enough to strengthen the ties between you considering that you have a child each making a total of 3 children for both of you. Wish you well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not everyone has the heart to abort a child

      Delete
  23. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!Years hav probably dulled ur man's memory of handling a child who is a sickler.that line he gave U abt not having 2 many kids is balderdash,cos even having only one child who is a sickler is an ordeal and isn't sumtn 2 look 4ward 2.how does he know dat one of d 'few' wldnt b a sickler?
    Gal!!,hav U eva seen and handled a sickler in crises?,.totally doubt it,cos if U hav,U wldnt b seeking our opinion.
    I know it wld hurt 2 let him go buh U hav to do it if U want 2 preserve ur sanity.lemme not say more

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  24. Dear chidera follow your and leave the rest to God. Its luck both of you got children that you can call your own. Goodluck

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  25. Of oyinbo people invented something to know the sex of a child in the womb, am very sure there is something to know the genotype of the baby before birth.

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    Replies
    1. There is dear. One is called CVS which is performed between 10 to 14 wks. The other is amniocentesis done from 14 wks. Oyibo ppl don pass us. Ppl do not give birth to sicklers anymorebifbthey hv the right info.

      Delete
  26. Well, it all depends on you. Do you want to have more children? Seeing as you both will be bringing children to the marriage, if you want to stay together perhaps agree on not having more kids. As the SS problem only arises when offsprings are involved.

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  27. why would he part way with his wife, did he marry her just to have children? if i have 1 healthy kids why wud i leave my wife, the guy no pure jor, move on

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    Replies
    1. Yes o,find out more about this guy cos he sounds fishy if he partd wit his 1st wife cos of genotype y will he jump n d same boat wit u on d same issue ,& besides u say he wrks n d pharmaceutical area so I'm sure he shouldn't b ignorant of all the risks involved with ur genotype case. There is more 2 his story

      Delete
    2. Yes o,find out more about this guy cos he sounds fishy if he partd wit his 1st wife cos of genotype y will he jump n d same boat wit u on d same issue ,& besides u say he wrks n d pharmaceutical area so I'm sure he shouldn't b ignorant of all the risks involved with ur genotype case. There is more 2 his story

      Delete
    3. gbam!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      find out about the guy jo.......... one child lived and he left his wife even with the ss free chld... are u sure its the genotype issue that made him to leve his wife? how sure are u that the same way he succumbed to the pressure of leaving the 1st wife that he wld do same to you....

      well just saying sha!!!!!!!!!!!!! pray sha... prayer change everything

      Delete
  28. Its ok if u guys agree not to have kids, outside dat, i dont think its a good idea.

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  29. wat exactly do u want us to say, to make u feel better? something you know already, u know theres a high chance u will give birth to sickle cell kids....we can deceive u, but even u know the fact. theres a big chance that u could birth kids who will cause u in and out of hospitals and may end up dying early. the choice is urs. in the west, modern medicine is such that the chances can be reduced by procedures like ivf, but there are ethical issues invloved, if u dont believe in aborting a 'life' den you may not agree with it, and what is a 'life' many believe once the sperm and egg have met, any termination is murder....in naija, by dear, u go born the ss like dat o.
    u can marry for love or for risk management. either way choice is urs. at least in future if u hav ss kids, u know u made dat decision.

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  30. He is a Fool... You are a Mumu. Read Your Story & Answer Your Question Yourself. Mugu bf & gf

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  31. Pls don't marry him. Don't let history repeat itself again. U can go ahead only if u r hundred percent sure dt it's God's plan for u.

    Stefany

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  32. Laduns House Boy08 January, 2013 02:19

    If this was 1973, I will dignify you with a response. If this was 1983, I will explain to you. If this was 1993, I will slap the belzebulb out of you. If this was 2003, I will simply ignore you. This is 2013 and you have the effrontery to ask such a stupid question!!!
    My advice is that u should go ahead and marry him. Ewu!!

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    Replies
    1. Lwkmd, but Laduns house boy u have a valid,solid point ,Chidera u dnt need advise n dis day & age , d choice is clear,dnt marry or if u marry dnt ave kids.
      Bsides dis ur guy is d most selfish & foolish persn I ave herd of,I will xcuse u cos u may b wrkn wit "luv & sentiment" but wake up & smell d coffee,(1)y will he live his 1st wife 4 d same issue he wants 2 jump n wit u, &(2) he is even n d medical/pharm line &should b educatd on dis issue so y will he wnt 2 push tru.ask ur self all these& make d rite choice.

      Delete
    2. theres nothing we won't see here looool@ladun's houseboy

      Delete
  33. ladun u sleep TOO MUCH, wake up and post comments from 4pm...its almost 9pm...such a shame.

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  34. You won't have too many kids?what if the1st you have together is an SS. It's pointless to take innocent kids through hell all in the name of love.the earlier you part ways and pray for your own soul mate,the better,best of luck. Teekay

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  35. what a silly mail!

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  36. It's a very tough one and no one here can help you. I know someone who was SS and married an AS they have 2 AS kids. They are spaced out i guess she may have terminated some that were SS in between. I know people who have left relationships 'cos of this. Think of this what if you can only get pregnant once and that baby is an SS baby, or get pregnant twice and both are SS? Like the first one i mentioned here the money was plenty so they were checking and removing. Can you do that and what if you can only get pregnant once or twice and you want to remove both and they are SS? It's better not to get involved in some things. Take a risk at your own loss or gain.

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  37. Confused girl. Before you go ahead, pls find someone who is ss. Watch them go through a crisis and ask your self if you want to put your child through that.

    There is only a 25% chance of ur baby being ss but again, would you knowingly want to put your child through that? Will you be able to cope?

    Sinve you both already have kids, you can still get married without having any more kids if you really love each other and cant live without each othet. I know some people will tell you about faith, pls use that same bible and apply wisdom.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Jare , I am a 47 year old woman with Sickle Cell been in one of the best hospitals money can pay for here in Lagos since 31st of December , ha e been in serious pain almost giving up , don't you think I just wish could turn back the hand of the clock ? And change my Genotype ? My only joy is that I have a beautiful intelligent daughter . Which faith Biko , when you are in pain faith dey run ooooo , pls be wise we should eradicate sickle cell not add to the flicking population I beg you all.

      Delete
  38. U want to test God?

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  39. Tough one, if you tie the knot are you both prepared to lose a child or not have children in the marriage? My dear there's no miracle to it, even churches advise against As & As marrying each other. I wn't encourage or discourage you but think deep n carefully get medical facts of the effects before going to the altar. God is not wicked so be patient your behalf will surely come

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  40. you already have two children between you, what more are you looking for?
    also, it looks like your guy needs a refresher in biology ... it's not about the quantity of children ... even your very first one could be SS.

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  41. If you are both educated, you will know that its not about "not having too many children". Its a game of probability and you can't predict the outcome. Its possible that the first 2 kids you have carry the SS genotype.

    My advice to people like you always, is to end the relationship. I have cried over too many innocent Sickler Children who died after a lifetime of pain. Its definitely not worth it. Please move on and find your own man. I think your boyfriend shouldn't even be thinking about it after losing a Sickler child already

    The alternative is to check the foetus's genotype before it's 3 months old and abort if carrying the SS genotype. If your conscience can take that and the technology is available in Nigeria

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  42. D genotype shldnt b an issue,we v wt is called selection process which is availble in naija,I tink dy tk d man's sperm d wmn's eggs n fertilize it,afta which d doc selects.either AA or AS embrayo n dispose of d SS,ds is den injectd in2 d womn's womb sort of an IVF procedure I tink,nt 2 vast of ds,bt u cn visit d sickle cell centre opp LUTH 4 mre info,since u pips v d mny u v a choice of goin 2 USA wr its also dne, d procedure in naija is abt 150k or less,I knw of families who did it n it ws successful,wish u d best!

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  43. Now this is what you can do, If you love him, go ahead, marry him. There is a possibility that some dietary carefulness can upturn your genes. Your fears are real and true based on experiences, but no two situation are the same, discard your fears and Let love prevail. Take your mind off the tragedy of impending doom

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  44. Pls use ur senses ,leave him n move on u can't marry him ,u risk d lives of d children u wud hv ,so wot if u decide to hv 2kids n dey both turn out to b SS, I've lost 3cousins due to dis genotype tingy cos both parents r AS ,ma dear b WISE.

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  45. you should be fine... in the UK they do fetal screening to check if the baby is a sickle cell carrier and after that, the choice is yours if you get what i mean...

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  46. Pls for the sake of your unborn kids,do not get married to him.that man n even you should know better.the pain those 'SS' children go through is unbearable,not to talk of the emotional and financial stress u as the parent will go thru.pls do not go ahead.God will bring another Man for you.that should be one of the first things you should consider,u can't marry someone with 'AS' genotype.pls

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  47. I'm equally confused... Let d comments roll in

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  48. don't be confused dear,he's not your man.

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  49. If u truly luv him, den go ahead and marry him bt nt wif d aim of having children since u both are single parents . Jst train dos 2 kids.
    *Sam.......*

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  50. My advice is dat u shld cut it,cos if he had to part ways with his first wife,he might have to part ways wiv u later. By then,u might not be very lucky to find someone else,but as a guy he sure will. All in all,prayer is d key.


    Flymoke

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  51. Its not easy to let go when you finally meet a man that you love who also love you in return. If both of you agree not to have any more kids, you can go ahead. But pls seek Gods face first.

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  52. Aha! Wat re u confused about wen both of u are AS. Do u want to bring into the world a child dat would always be ill and might die in his prime? Abeg pity ur unborn children.
    Don't marry the guy and pray dat God gives u, ur own bone n flesh

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  53. So he broke up with his Ex because of the blood genotype thing and he wants to marry you with the same blood genotype thing too. Have you met the parents and relations? What have they got to say? It is very important that you find out and take their opinion into consideration.

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  54. well, i dont think that is a problem; the first thing you should ask yourself is can you handle it if you have a baby with Sickle Cell aneamia? moreover, thank God for technology now, there is bone marrow transplant which if done when the child is btw 1-5yrs old the bone marrow would produce the desired genotype although it is a bit expensive since you are both financially stable that should not be a problem...........
    the only question is if you can handle it if yes go ahead and marry the man of your dreams, if no.. babe... just run away fast becasue there may be times when the love you feel now would not be enough.

    my advice is you read about it and prepare yourself emotionally incase you have a baby with SS... i have seen people living with the aneamia some you would know immediately you see them, while some if they dont tell you you would never know, i know of some who are grand parents, another is an executive in a bank and she is doing very well with her hubby and children.... but these adults cannot go through with the transplant because they are already adults... the pain they feel during crisis is really bad but as long as they take their vitamins and eat well and drink plenty of fluids and also avoid malaria they live a normal life......
    read about it and i dont think you should be negative... just read about and be knowledgeable....

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    Replies
    1. BMT no be beans ooooooo , it does not come cheap , you are so right , SS Na management , you got to have the money , knowledge of the sickness and play it by the rules .

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  55. Hmmm,dis is a hard one but u need to figure out what u want: do u want to be happily married with kids who are ss or u want to wait for the right relationship to come with perfect genotype...
    There are chance ur children wouldn't be ss tho.. But I'm sure doctors and ministers would ask u people not to cos its dangerous..
    Endangering the lives of ur unborn kids

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  56. Sweet heart, love is a beautiful thing. It blinds us, it compels us, it drives us. Dearie, remember, dating is about you and him but when you get married its about you, him and your kids. Don't test what you can't solve now. When I was dating, my woman told me to get my genotype done(i'm AA) she was already telling me........."even though she loved me to death" Love is good but safeguarding the life of your unborn children even before they are brought into this world also means you're loving them already( do you get me; don't let them go through a medical upbringing,let them grow up healthy, try to cut out medical challenges) your husband is still out there, wait for him he's coming, just believe. God Bless you.

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  57. Hi,I agree wit Palo,my parents r both AS but they were not aware wen d married n d 70s,they only discoverd wen they had my oldr sis(5th kid),by that time my mom was preg 4 me,by Gods Grace only my sis was SS but she was healthy for an SS, but we all sufferd ,she much more, wen she went tru crises.my 2 eldest r AS &my mom always warnd them wen it came 2 chosin a partner,she told them her case was diff cos she was ignorant of SS & God showed our family grace& mercy, it will not b so 4 u cos u r fully aware of d risk.pls if u must marry don't ave kids bcos u can't imagine d pain u will put them tru if they r SS,& that pain may tear ur family apart.
    Margaret

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  58. Hello, my advise is that u shld back out of the relationship nw bcus what u pple wan 2 risk is not a very nice experience, morover the pressure will be more on u as the mother, looking after d well-being of d child if he/she is an SS bcus u neva can tell which number will be SS it might be ur 1st or last child even middle if u wan to know more about d sicklers go 2 sick-cell clinics.

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  59. If you too are in love, and can't afford not to be in a union; I would encourage you both to get married, since you both have kids already, but one one condition - forget about having more kids, so as not to mourn another child.

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    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ladun e jo stop all this spam

      Delete
  61. Ma sis I am married, we both As.all kids aa. Those that know their God would exploits. Seek Gods face on its. I have one of the best homes and his grace and mercies saw we got or heart desires. What's your faith level. ! Like I said, its all God that has the final say. Shalom sis

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  62. I think u should separate with him but If u will marry him don't think of having more kids but God can still perform wonders [God I thank u for my life I and my hubby are both AA ]

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  63. it depends on what u want out of that marriage ( 4 children?, don't try to go in. but 4 any other thing, u can evaluate it very well and decide wether to be in or out. be wise lady

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  64. u v heard it all a word is enof for the wise i wish u well

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