I Feel Sorry For Goodluck Jonathan- Etcetera

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I think I am the most criticised President in the whole
world, but I want to tell this audience that before I leave, I will be the most
praised President,” said President Goodluck Jonathan at the opening of the 52nd
Annual General Meeting of the Nigerian Bar Association at the International
Conference Centre in Abuja.

Hey guys, I guess you know that pointing fingers is not my
style, hahaha, just as I know that it will be difficult to find a single
Nigerian who hasn’t pointed fingers at President Goodluck Jonathan since he
became President. But really, can so many fingers be pointed at a single
individual all at the same time? Some people have gone to the extent of saying
that since Jonathan took office, everything has gone to hell in a handbasket.

Others have held him responsible for everything that has gone wrong in the
country, from the tear in their pants to the economy. Trust me: Nigerians are
beginning to agree that when it comes to assigning blame, look to Jonathan
first. There are some hardliners who don’t care if Jonathan wasn’t President
during the civil war. He must have been thinking about it, and that’s good
enough reason for them. They even say that if he hadn’t been sticking his nose
into government, the civil war wouldn’t have happened. Funny, Nigerians have
found the perfect target for dealing with their bad days. Late to work? Blame
Jonathan! Did the soup in the fridge melt when you weren’t looking? It’s
Goodluck Jonathan. Can’t find your smelling socks? Jonathan! Your baby pees on
the chair, again? Jonathan. The possibilities are endless! Hey, are we not just
being unfair to Goodluck Jonathan? We blame him for all and everything. Even
for things that are not his fault. Let me ask you something sir or madam, if
Jonathan is to blame for everything wrong in Nigeria today, what becomes of the
previous presidents under whose regimes most of these problems started?
On Tuesday evening on my way back from NTA, I stopped at the
Bar Beach to buy suya. I was a little bit early because I met the aboki
lighting his charcoal. As I waited, I saw two weird looking rastas looking like
archangels Michael and Gabriel in their white Cele garments walk down to just
about five yards from the water, raised their holy robes in unison like
atilogwu dancers trying to master a new dance routine and bent down and began
to defecate. Couples of minutes later, I heard them walking back complaining of
how dirty and smelly the beach had become from what it used to be. As they
passed by me, the taller one said “omo naija, presido no dey try at all. See as
this place don yamayama finish, dem no dey see as those oyinbo beach be for
inside film wey we dey watch?” At that point, I couldn’t hold back my anger. I
just had to say something: “Shebi na una just shit finish for that place so?
And una get mouth dey blame the president. Una see him shit for there?”
We are having a distant relationship with the truth in this
country. We have developed that rare ability to be hypocritical and not so much
as give a damn whether we are equally guilty of the things we are blaming on
others. In truth, Goodluck Jonathan should roll up his sleeves, spit on his
palms and get to work on a lot of things. We keep saying that corruption
escalated under his regime but why do we keep failing to associate it with the
fact that these corrupt individuals are Nigerians? I listened to some custom
officers saying that If it wasn’t for Goodluck Jonathan’s backward policies,
everything at the Nigerian borders would be perfect. Yes, let us keep dumping
everything on Goodluck Jonathan. Even our own responsibilities as citizens.
He’s the reason our custom and police officers are more interested in
collecting bribes than fighting crime and checking for contraband goods coming
into the country. It is also Jonathan’s fault that the security operatives at
the Lagos airport have all turned beggars. Should the president also take the
rap for the Director-General of the Standards Organisation of Nigeria not being
able to see that the nation is littered with fake products? Maybe Goodluck
Jonathan should be with him daily and point him towards fake products and
manufacturers. The fight to save this country does not begin or stop at
Janathan’s table. It must be an all Nigerian battle. Let the pastors stop
praying for corrupt politicians and tell them to their faces to stop stealing
public funds. If all drivers have their complete vehicle papers and obey
traffic laws, there will be no need to give out money to the police and we will
be on our way to a better society.
Ask yourself where your governor got the billions he spends
on frivolities? People in the rural areas of Akwa Ibom state are living in
thatched houses and we are building another stadium? Have you tried asking what
the Abia State Government did with the state’s allocation for eight years? Do
you think President Jonathan will be allowed a minute of sleep if he failed to
remit monies due to the states? So why then do we pour all the blames on him?
Your governor owns empty estates in Dubai and factories in South Africa when
people of their states are homeless and jobless, is that Jonathan’s fault too?
Where did we get the preposterous notion that President Jonathan took office
and people started having trouble finding jobs? Did we have a zero unemployment
rate in the country before President Jonathan? Millions of Nigerians are
working their asses out and dying as contract staffs and casual workers, where
is the NLC? Is it not aware of the appalling working conditions Nigerian
workers are subjected to by multinationals? Of course, it is all Jonathan’s fault.
Last time I checked, Jonathan was a president or a magician. Should he be doing
the job of the NLC too, supervising every sector of the country at the same
time? Let us be truthful to ourselves, since when have we had good roads in
this country?
Were there roads in the country that Jonathan destroyed?
Have we had electricity in the country before President Jonathan? We say Boko
Haram started as a result of poverty and lack of education in the North, were
there schools in the North that Jonathan destroyed? Trust me, the architects of
Boko Haram know what they’re talking about when they say it is all Jonathan’s
fault.

For everyone out there, below are a list of things Goodluck
Jonathan is yet to be blamed for, so go ahead and make your pick and let the
blame game continue: Cancer, AIDS, racism, air pollution, sin, child porn,
human meat at Jankara market, home video, obesity, Drake sleeping with
everyone’s chic, Kim Kardashian’s nude picture, tribalism and every other kind
of ism, Arsenal’s trophyless seasons, Facebook, Twitter and Wizkid’s last
album.

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